


I'm not a Hero, I'm a...

by NarglesOnHerTongue



Series: Every Hobbit has a Story... [1]
Category: Sherlock (TV), The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: All the hobbits are ex heroes, Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, BAMF Bilbo Baggins, Backwards is better, Bilbo Baggins is John Watson, Gen, Heroes with issues, Nac Mac Feegle Theology, With A Twist, stopping point between life and afterlife
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-31
Updated: 2015-09-14
Packaged: 2018-04-18 06:12:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4695068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NarglesOnHerTongue/pseuds/NarglesOnHerTongue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hobbit. Once, a long time ago the various portrayals of Death have a meeting and one of them (Probably Norse) mentions what a shame it is that some heroes don't die in battle and can't see Valhalla. He is countered by a more sympathetic death who wants to know whether there is some way to reunite family and friends of heroes with the heroes after their deaths, preferably without dealing with the issues that come out of having a hero's life. Basically in order to do so, either a hero has to get a magic recovery after their death, or they need a new life to adjust to having peace again.</p>
<p>Hey guys, it's Mandos and I was just on business when I saw this adorable, balanced, green, perfect place for those reincarnated heroes to live while they learn all about peace!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Embodiment of Virtue (According to who?)

**Author's Note:**

> King Henry V as Bandobras "Bullroarer" Took  
> Bruce "Hulk" Banner as Bungo Baggins  
> Alice Kingsleigh as Belladonna Took Baggins  
> 

"Goblins!" Bandobras wheeled his horse around to face the oncoming goblin king.

"This better be over quick, I don't want to face another delay." his brother scoffed before he spotted a gap in the formation. "There!"

As the Hobbits charged Bandobras whispered "We few, we happy few, we band of brothers." and swung.

*Thwack, swish, thudthudthud, plop.*

silence

"Not quite the glory of Crispins day but it will do." Bandobras muttered before yelling at his comrades in old English, finally startling the goblins into retreat. 

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

"Not quite your Wonderland." Bungo murmured to Belladonna. "Will it suffice for now though?"

"I can't imagine how you did this without raising your heart rate. won't my adventuring cause problems though?" Belladonna worried at her lip and rubbed her stomach.

"Promise not to leave until you're no longer pregnant and I'll be fine with just me and the little one. I can't believe you chose me though." Bruce Banner's self-admonition peeked through Bungo Baggins' facade. "I don't want to lose you."

"We're too Mad for each other. Tell me again why a raven is like a writing desk? Tarrant asked and I want to remember it when I see him again." Alice Kingsleigh sighed as she entered the house Bungo had made for her.

"They're both stuffed with writing quills and neither can write." Bungo breathed out slowly. "Be safe love. The little one will want a chance as well."

"I wonder if he'll have the Tookish adrenaline addiction or the Baggins love of politics?"

"With our luck? he'll have both."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 

 


	2. Hero With an F in Good

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Of course. Tony effing Stark. Of course.
> 
> Also: Credits:  
> Tony "Iron Man" Stark as Drogo Baggins  
> Furiosa of the Fury Road and the Land of Many Mothers as Primula Brandybuck Baggins

Drogo blew the hair out of his face as he looked up at the metal/wood combo house he had built. Hobbit holes were OK but he still had issues to work through about caves. Pity. 

He took a deep breath and whispered to the walls, "JARVIS?"

"Yes sir?" The newest incarnation of the butler stated.

"It worked." Tony heaved a sigh. "It's good to hear that voice again JARVIS."

"I suppose sir, can I help with anything?" 

"Start printing invitations. It wouldn't be a housewarming without a party. I need to order alcohol." Tony Stark smiled out of the face of a hobbit with all the savage glee he could muster.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Primula Brandybuck stared up at the house Drogo had built and proposed with. "It'll need a mechanic's shop."

"Done." The Baggins smiled gleefully at her. "How big and what tools and surfaces?"

"Do try to remember that you aren't a billionaire any more." She admonished but the repressed smile took all the sting out.

"Not buying them, I'm making them." Drogo grinned wildly at her. "Good enough for my grease princess?"

"It's a proper green place." Furiosa smiled back. "Well done you."

"And people say you're too wild for me." Tony started hopping on his toes.

"Lies." Furiosa leans in to kiss him.


	3. Kill Me Now or Forever Stay Your Hand:::His Own Worst Enemy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back in time just a little:  
> Credits:  
> Albus Dumbledore as Deagol  
> Will Graham (from Red Dragon and Manhunter) as Smeagol

A ring, another ring with another curse and this time Deagol would not fail as Albus had. "It's dirty, and not even very pretty. It should be melted down." He reasoned with Smeagol. He was an impressionable boy, prone to temper, Albus would tread carefully. "I can give a better present than this..." Tempt the child with shiny things and destroy the ring when he could. It would work.

"But I want that!" Smeagol whined looking at the ring with cow eyes. "I like it and it's my birthday!"

"There are better gifts for you my boy..."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

But he should have remembered, not everyone here was younger, less played the games of wizards, and fewer still recalled even what innocence was...

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Will Graham hid himself behind Smeagol and Gollum, held them back before their worst tragedies but every turn for better was faced with memories of Lecter. He might have broken the ring's power but that poor sad ridiculous cousin of his had to use that endearment. Hearing echoes of Lecter's voice behind his cousin, even knowing there was no way Lecter could have made it here, had cost him the last of his control and stability.

 

Will's last act was to unbalance Gollum, reclaim Smeagol, and melt down the evil ring in apology to his poor cousin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a dark turn there... ah well.
> 
> Smeagol/Gollum is the one everyone remembers, and the reason hobbits do gift giving backwards. In case you can't tell Will Graham starts his Smeagol life closer to the role played in Manhunter and ends it on Red Dragon terms, that is he becomes stable even as he watches his own body do all those things Smeagol and Gollum did. 
> 
> My head-cannon is that he lost control of Gollum and Smeagol during "Riddles in the Dark" because of the cheat. Like Hannibal Lector only pretending to play by the rules...

**Author's Note:**

> Basically when a hero dies, traumatized by their life and royally jacked in the head by being treated as Fate's chewtoy, they wake up as a hobbit. They are aware of their first five hobbit years like a fever dream before assimilating all their reincarnated memories. Their abilities and knowledge from before are intact but there is no cause to use them. Bad comes with good though, any injuries they had when dying left psychosomatic injuries as hobbits.
> 
> Drogo Baggins used to be Tony Stark, still makes weapons and can kill a dragon seven different ways with just the contents of a mine, but can't come along because of a paralyzing fear of caves and a psychosomatic chest issue. He makes Bilbo/John a kit to go on the quest with.
> 
> Hobbits just want to learn peace and move on, they won't leave the shire because of the fear that they will die messed up still and be reborn as a hobbit again.


End file.
